Beers Eye Drunk

Part I:
A Discussion on the Differences Between American and English Beer and Warnings Against Dating While Intoxicated.

There are few things I've learned about the world through drinking beer. Amongst the most important, you don't stand a better chance with women when you're hammered and America is stupid.

Some reasons include:

America gives anything over a measly 6% alcohol the foul label of "malt liquor" and girls give my drunken breath the equally foul label of "get away from me before I kick you in the balls".

America's idea of Hefeweizen is flat, watered down and fruity compared to the European style, which can have a strong wheat smells, heavy carbonation, and a cottony sweet finish, and in the meantime, girls don't like it when you puke on them no matter what consistency or flavor.

America thinks that pale ales have to be incinerated with hops and thus lack subtlety, much like you, loaded with hops, who may stare directly at breasts from across the room for a solid five minutes before going over to talk to them.

Part II: Critical Information about English Ales, Bears

Whitbread Pale Ale is a good example of an English Pale Ale. And when I mention pale ales to anyone around here, they quickly assume that it's a hopstravaganza like Stone or Firestone or something other kind of rock. Even the most well-known pale ale imports, Bass and Harp, are fairly hoppy, though bare the a tad bit of the creaminess and style of some English pale ales. They don't do much to sway the "common knowledge" that pale ales are dry and bitter.

English Pale Ales tend to sit in a glass like beef gravy, rich and heavy, a warm brown liquid that dumps smoothly down the throat at a slightly warm temperature. There can be a good deal of surprises in English pale ales, from a floral smell to baked fruit. Most of the time, they're fairly creamy, fairly sweet, with a long lingering flavor; a crafted design rather than a head-splitting train wreck of hops.

Whitbread, though, will give you a headache for a different reason. At a cold temperature, this beer tastes like nothing but straight-up liquor. The overtones of alcohol pound a dirge into your skull after two sips. And I admit, I was pissed off, since I was expecting a heavy considerate mixture of flavor and not an unwelcome wallop to the brain. Though, after this beer has time to settle in the glass, other characteristics gurgle to the surface.

There's a sweet malty touch to it that's got a bit of a marzipan flavor. If you don't know what marzipan is, then you've got to go out and rent some Paddington Bear cartoons, because he was nuts about it. You could probably buy some at a candy store, but to really get the sense of it, you've got to see that bear. He's incredible. In fact, you're not going to understand much of anything in this world if you haven't seen Paddington Bear and that's all I'm going to say about it. In fact, I will go so far as to say people who do not know and love Paddington Bear should be swept of the face of the earth indiscriminately in some kind of ecological disaster and there's a hint of bitter cherry.

Summary Review of Whitbread Pale Ale

We've touched on a lot of topics... America, dating, England, Paddington... But through this journey, you may feel as though I've inadequately described the overall value of Whitbread. Perhaps, I've meandered off-topic and used too many colorful devices and thus sacrificed the straight-forward character that was the original charm of this beer blog. All right then, you smart asses, let's cut the chase then:

I don't really like it. The bitter start and unsavory malty middle makes me tired and bored, like listening Bea Arthur sing my tax return. It's not a bad beer, but it doesn't speak to me, or if it does, all it’s saying is that in fifteen minutes I'll have to pee. Depth and style are there, but I'm not. I'm watching the history channel completely distracted from the beer. And when the plumbing of Constantinople is overshadowing your beer, it can't be that good.