Beers Eye Drunk

Now, I'm very critical of Hefe-Weizens, mostly because they tend to be the favorite beers for brunch-eating, Mac-toting, journal-keeping Indie chicks who don't even like the taste of beer. Many commercial Hefes are watery, weak on flavor and carbonation, and basically exist as a garnish for a lemon wedge. Still, I'd much rather drink a boring hefe with a lemon in it than a hard lemonade.

Hefes can vary greatly in quality and overall effect. Some are very European in character, with a bitter cottony sugar content and heavy carbonation. Some are more lemony with a clean and watery character often chased by a bouquet of fruit flavors. The bookends of bad taste for the genre, though, would be the flavors of sun-throttled oranges and Ivory soap. Somewhere in this spectrum of ill, lies Pinkus Muller, a very disappointing Organic Hefe-Weizen from The World's First Organic Brewery in Munster Germany (the two dots above the U have been painstakingly removed by our editoral staff denoting a mindful lack of respect).

At first, I was very optimistic regarding Pinkus, since the label boasted more than the usual crisp and refreshing promises. It was certified organic. To put it in perspective, my feces is also organic, but I'm not sure it's ever been certified as such. And THAT I was sure would make all the difference. I was at least partially wrong.

Pinkus fell like an anvil flatly into the glass, retaining some lacing, and a powerful aroma that I could only describe as 50% lemon and 50% dryer sheet. The taste was nowhere near as dank and saturated with wheat as I expected from an unfiltered organic brew. It instead bore a mild wateriness that lacked any easily discernable flavor characteristics.

The beer's flatness and lack of flavor magnitude created nothing short of a dull experience. The soapy-lemon overtones were vaguely memorable, but by no means enjoyable. And this beer, I would imagine, is tolerable with a lemon wedge in it, may even be refreshing on a hot day, but so is a glass of water. Last time I checked I could buy a tons more lemons, water, and soap for the $3.00 I wasted on Pinkus.

Pinkus Muller was very disappointing indeed. Interestingly enough, I had an Alhambra before and after the Pinkus and there was no contest. Alhambra had more unique flavors, more liveliness, and a memorable character. German hefes are always a gamble, it seems, either straining to adopt the qualities of a high class pilsner or languishing in a flat uninspired wheat puddle. Spain crushes Germany in this round.