Beers Eye Drunk

I am not a professional beer writer. Today's review is a perfect example of how much my skill has degraded and perhaps, how limited it has always been. My first Alhambra was not properly refrigerated and then, during a scuffle with the dog, it was spilled on the floor. The dog, when enlisted for emergency disaster control services, had tasted some of this beer and gave it an unfavorable review, leaving me to clean up the majority of the mess.

My second beer from the six-pack was accidentally left on the porch outside when I was distracted from my duties by a higher calling to help my girlfriend hang some picture frames. I swear to god whoever invented picture frames must be some rightwing nutcase who enacted his plan to make sure bums like me couldn't sit idol for two solid minutes, even whilst jobless and surely.

Now, I am at last alone, and I strain to find the words to describe the third Alhambra. I'm far too exhausted by my day of solid squalor to even comment on its ample carbonation or the wheaty smell and aftertaste. Nope. I haven't got it in me. This beer has a medium weight to it, with a sweetness that glides gently over the natural flavors of amazingly clear, clean water... But who gives a shit? It's not like saying so will pull me from my dismal state.

Sure, there was a delightful lacing in the glass after the head dissipated, and the beer called to mind some quality Italian brews I fancy... But is that enough to wrench this miserable day up by its balls back into some semblance of worth? No. Let's face the facts, shall we? Alhambra is a great tasting, smooth-beer, whose quality components create a clean and simple delight. Meanwhile, I've spent roughly eight hours picking my nose, festering on my ass in front of the television, wasting my life away. A professional would rise above it all to tell you that Alhambra is definitely worth a try, especially if you typically lean toward watery beers in summer, but would like to take on something a tad heavier and smoother, with no fruit-wedge necessary.

I am no professional. I am a lousy jack-ass, who hasn't taken a shower in three days and smells like moldy bread and stale arm pits. Just know that a positive endorsement from a man in such a reprehensibly miserable state is a fair sign that Alhambra's worth your seven dollars. If you're not convinced by my latest putrid attempts to review a beer, I suggest you promptly eat shit and die.