Beers Eye Drunk

Last week I received my signing bonus from the studio that's producing the movie based on this blog. I have also optioned the rights to the unauthorized biography, which remains unauthorized only because I'm allowed to go visit the writer any time I want and sit behind his chair and shake it while he's trying to compose. I expect chapter four to have a big loogey in the middle of paragraph three, or at least a big black splotch after it gets back from the copiers.

I particularly enjoy irritating this poor schmuck, especially when my belly is hurting from drinking too much. Mississippi Mud is 1 quart of Black & Tan, which is slow-brewed. It's not as thick as you'd think. It's not as alcoholic as you'd guess since it come is a giant jug, which sort of says "hey, it's time to get smashed and play the banjo." It should have been like a wild log ride into drunkeness, but it was more like a gut-swelling waste of my time. The first sip was sadly like any typical canned light beer. After a while, I could almost taste the creaminess of a quality Black & Tan, and granted it was a hell of a lot cheaper than buying a Guiness and Harp. But if I'm going to ingest something so demanding, then I'm going to want it to fuck me up hardcore. Is it too much to ask of a beer that comes in a jug with a wide-mouth top to please help me forget large portions of my address? What the hell? I have a day job I’m trying to forget for God’s sake!

From a purely financial perspective, Mississippi Mud is a steal. It's a quart of beer for just as much as you'd typically pay for a really classy pint. And it is a grade above most beers you can find in sufficient quantities. By the numbers, Mississippi Mud is a worthy beer, but by my sore belly, uninspired taste-buds, and sadly sober mind, I'd have to classify it as boring. I spent all damned night watching March of the Penguins and drinking this beer, and all I got out of it was a deep appreciation for the trials of parenthood and the need to piss out my ears. Both were related chiefly to my temporary pregnancy with liquid hops and barley.