Beers Eye Drunk

A week ago I tried Unibroue's Blanche De Chambly, which translated into English means White Devil with a Chainsaw. That's what Babblefish told me, anyway. I didn't need a warning like that to make me suspicious, though. Sure, this beer is pretty good, but it's probably not to be trusted.
First off, let's examine the pour. Okay, I need you to go to the store and get one and then pour it into a glass and report back to me anything that strikes you as suspicious. We have to stick together on this. For my part of the research, I noticed this beer has a strong head, which fizzes down to a nice consistent, lacy ring… but why? Why go through all that trouble? What was he thinking with that large head of his and should we just assume now that he's subdued he won't come back again one day... and for no less than our very souls!?!?!

More peculiarities are concealed in the cloudy, almost white color of this beer. Something's in there for sure. Could be suspended Yeast. Could be chunks of Satan himself. You never know these things at first glance. One thing is for sure, Chambly is up to something.

And as if that weren't enough, it smells like soggy wheat, but it's actually quite sweet and refreshing, with a hint of citrus. And it's not heavy or sluggish at all. It's downright lively... a little too lively if you ask me.

Now to the vaguely interesting subplot which is the basis for my trepidation: They've opened up a new Beverages & More right down the street from where I typically get my beer. And it was filled to brim with crazy soccer moms who were strutting around with their red wine taking the invitation to participate in a Hanson's soda taste-test a little too seriously. I was in the beer section with some lugs who wandered back and forth looking at Trapist beers before finally settling on a 12 pack of Corona. The experience was a little disturbing, but I figured there was a good chance that Bev-Mo had something different even though it was a little bit corporate for my beer shopping taste. Of course, what did I see?

If you guessed Godzilla in a braw and panties, you're half-right, but if you guessed the devil in a canoe, you're completely correct. There he was paddling at me on a red-river of what was probably blood, in the middle of a row of Unibroue beers. The awful beer bottle graphic is further proof Unibroue has sold their souls to Bev-Mo. They had a whole section. Just like I can't put my finger on why Bev-Mo is wrong and should be stopped, I can't quite articulate the pure horror of seeing a horned devil gentling paddling towards me in a quaint little two-seater. Only Canada would pair a bad-ass hellion with one of the lamest excuses for transportation known to man. What's next Unibroue? Going to try to sell me beer using a picture of Mesostopheles on Segue?

You people are just plain sick!And sure, I may just be transferring my fears and suspicions of Bev-Mo over to poor Unibroue, who is merely an innocent bystander. However, the insurmountable evidence leads me to give Unibroue's Blanche de Chambly, a somewhat tainted endorsement. Proceed to flavor, quality, and intrigue, but proceed ever cautiously, less ye soul be spirited away by the netherworld at speeds of up to two miles an hour unless there's a log or something in the way then you'll probably have to paddle around it.... to your doom!